Ocendian Raid
by FireEmblemKitsune
Summary: In a world where Toon Link is a wannabe pimp, Young Link wishes he weren't related, Zelda has the hots for her brother, Olim is ultimately abused, and television is run by a pair of GIANTIC hands and OC's, chaos is sure to happen. Welcome to Ocendian Raid, where Smash characters are interviewed, humiliated, and not much gets done.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello! So after like two years, and Wolfdude's constant whining to rewrite this, I have finally decided to rewrite my story that debuted me as an author. I have many fics in progress, not to mention that I'm helping out a couple friends. So, don't complain if I don't update fast enough, ok?

Oh yes, the host and her bodyguard along with a couple of friends are OC's. They will become known throughout the chapters.

Please note: When words are inside stars, the character are talking quietly, or under their breath. Words in parentheses are the characters actions. I think that's about it, so please enjoy, and please review!

Ocendian Raid: A remake of The Diamond Eye And Smash Show

Chapter 1: Meet The Cast and Crew!

Mastr Hand: I would like to welcome you all to Ocendian Raid, a relaunch show that originally aired as "The Diamond Eye and Smash Show." I am your director, Master Hand. You may all call me MH, if you please.

Crazy Hand: CANDY! HIIIIIIIII I LIKE CANDYYYYYYYYYYY!

MH: (sweatdrop) And this is ... brother, Crazy Hand. He is my right hand man.

CH: He means left-hand man, right? *glares and pulls out chainsaw*

MH: A: Stop screaming, it#s rude, B: Drop the chainsaw or you lose your candy priveleges.

CH: *pouts* Sowwy!

MH: Anywhoo, I'd like to introduce our cast and crew. Will you please give a round of applaus ... Toon Link!

(Crowd cheers)

Toon: Hi! Hello! Hey! Oh, I love you too! Sure, I'll go for drinks! Hit me up! Here's my number! Wait, wha? NO, I will not marry you!

MH: Toon Link, stop flirting with the female audience.

Toon: Awww, but it's fun. Unless they try to marry you! (shivers)

MH: Anyways, why don't you introduce yourself?

Toon: Sure! I'm Toon Link, Zelda 's hot, and if you want a crazy night, hit me up! My number's up there! (points to backdrop, where his number is displayed)

(Female audience screams)

MH: Um, alrighty then. Um! Next, I'd like to introduce our little helping hand. Please welcome! Young Link!

Young Link: Hi guys! It's nice to meet you all!

RP: (random person) Will you sleep with me!

Young: (blanches) Wha!? No! I'm a good little boy, Miss.

RP: Awww, then can I take Toon Link?

Toon: Hell yeah! Call me, babe!

Young: Uuuuuuh, is it too late to turn back?

MH: Yes.

Young: Awwww!

CH: Let me introduce someone!

MH: Fine.

CH: I would like to introduce! .our b**** boy, Olimar!

MH: (Facepalm) I regret doing that.

Young: (whispers to Toon) *I want my Mommy*

Toon: *Toughen up*

Olimar: Did you just call me what I think you called me?

CH: (laughs gleefully) YES!

Olimar: Ok! I can handle it! I think.

Toon: I love how no one cheered for you.

Young: Toon, hush. Don't be mean.

Toon: That#s because he ain't no pimp, like me. TOON CHAINZ! ... Young,

MH: (facepalm)

Olimar: It's ok, I get that! a lot!

Young: I#m sorry for my big brother's lack of tact. Would you like a cookie?

Olimar: (nods)

(Young and Toon exit)

MH: Next up-

Toon: No! It's time for Toon Chainz to introduce someone.

Mh: Fine, but if you f*** up, I'll shoot your tony head off your shoulders.

Toon: Chill, pops. I got this.

MH: *I want to go home*

Toon: Nananananana, it's the chocolate-lovin Mama-Dee, wassup!

Mh: (sweatdrops) He means, please welcome our host, Sasha Ana Lee.

Toon: Mhm, Daddy's her sugar-daddy!

MH: Ok, it's time for you to do your job. Get behind the damn camera!

Toon: Chill, grandma, I'm goin,.

MH: Grandma? Why you insolent little!

(A girl, about 18 years of age, with waist-length brown hair, big brown eyes, a pair of dark blue jeans, and a light-blue hoodie, comes onstage)

Sasha: Um! hello

(MH and the crowd stare in silence)

MH: Who are you?

Sasha: (blush) Um, my son, er, I mean, Toon Link, introduced me, remember?

MH: Wha? ! OH! Welcome, Sasha Lee

Sasha: (Smiles) Hi! I'm Sasha, and I'm your host.

(Crowd finally cheers)

MH: It#s nice to meet you.

Sasha: Nice to meet you, too, sir.

MH: Why don't you introduce yourself?

Sasha: Ok, um! I'm eighteen, I love chocolate, blue is my favorite color, the hairpin in my hair is a magical bow, this sword, (indicating a sword by her side), is Riptide, the sword from the Queen of Atlantis.

MH: *I think I might like this one*

Sasha: I use magic, I control the water as my fundamental element, and um! yes, I'm the Queen of Atlantis.

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! (all cheer, while Sasha blushes and looks down)

Young: No, she's also our foster mom, right Toon?

Toon: Yep, she's our hoe.

Sasha: (grabs Toon by the ankle, still smiling)

Toon: Hey! Put me down!

Sasha: Listen kid, don't, you, ever, say, that, about, me, ever, again, you understand? (Flings Toon Link against the wall.)

MH: *Yeah, I like her*

Young: He deserved it.

MH: Is he unconscious?

Young: (checks Toon's pulse) Yep, but he'll be fine. The bump on his head won't be noticeable. His head's too big.

Sasha: (smiles) Hey Young.

Young: Mommy! (jumps into Sasha's arms)

Sasha: (ruffle Young's hair) Hey,  
>cutie.<p>

Crowd: Awwwww!

MH: Now that we're missing our camera-man! bit- um, I mean, Olimar!

Olimar: (walks up eating a cookie) Yes?

MH: Attend to the camera, please.

Olimar: Yes sir. (leaves plate of cookies)

Sasha: Ooh, cookies! (grabs a few)

MH: Now that we've got that all figured out, last, but definitely not least, please welcome our guard, Jerammy Walker!#(A small, brightly colored car made for a clown drives onstage, running MH over.)

MH: OW!

Sasha: Awwww, sweet!

(Car door opens, and out steps a young brunet-haired man, eighteen years of age, wearing blue jeans, a black t-shirt, and a black leather jacket.)

Jerammy: AYE! B****es! (Crowd roars in approval)

Sasha: (hugs Jerammy) Hey buddy!

Jerammy: Aye buddy!

Young: Uncle Krazy! (hugs)

Jerammy: Sup, kid. (hugs Young)

MH: Ow.

Jerammy: Oh, did I run you over, Pops?

MH: Don't! call! me! Pops. (faints)

CH: Oh, he'll be fine! Cwazy will take care of him! (drags off his brother)

Sasha: Uh-oh! I don't like the sound of that.

Jerammy: Sounds legit.

Sasha: Yo bro, tell the audience about yourself, yeah?

Jerammy: Sure. So!. I'm Jerammy Walker, I like Pepsi, and anyone who tries to harm Sasha will take a long, painful ride in this baby. (pats car)

Crowd: (stare)

Young: Um, Uncle?

Jerammy: Yup?

Young: Can you get your ... baby offstage? It#s on the set.

Jerammy: Sure. (jumps in clown car, puts into reverse)

Toon: (Begins to wake up) Huh? What happened?

Sasha: JERAMMY, LOOK OUT!

Toon: ERMAHGAWDZ!

Jerammy: What!

Toon: MAIN HO, SAVE ME!

Sasha: No

BAM!

Crowd: (gasp)

Jerammy: What was that huge-ass speed bump doing onstage?

Sasha: You! just hit! my son.

Jerammy: Oh! C'mon, he's alright. Duct tape will solve everything, right?

Everyone: (facepalms)

Young: I'll get him to the infirmary. Maybe Nurse Jackie can fix him! (grabs Toon by his foot, drags off)

Jerammy: Whose Nurse Jackie?

Sasha: (shrugs) I don't know.

Jerammy: I guess you should get this show on the road.

Sasha: Yeah! like your car!

Jerammy: Right! (jumps in car, and drives off, blaring Snoop Dogg's "The Next Episode")

Sasha: (facepalm) I guess I should start the actual show, huh?

Crowd: Yes!

Sasha: Well, sorry folks, but you'll have to wait after this commercial break. Meanwhile, I need to find the guest list, not to mention tell Jerammy where to-(The back wall explodes)

Crowd: (screams)

Jerammy: Is this where I park?

Sasha: Jerammy! . *What is wrong with you?* We'll be back folks, with our mystery guest. Stay tuned!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hello there! I'm back with Chapter 2! In this chapter, just because Wolfdude16 asked so nicely, I will introduce Lucario. Next chapter will most likely be Marth. 3 Wolfdude doesn't really like my Toon Link, and neither do I, but I love him in a sort of way. His attitude was inspired by ... I don't even ... know I'm sorry if you don't enjoy my humor, but it makes others laugh, as well as myself. I'm happy I finally got around to rewriting this fic. Hopefully, you like it.

Anywhoo, please enjoy, and please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own any SSB characters, but I partially own Sasha and Jerammy. I guess you could say that I own Toon Pimp in a way. :P

Chapter 2: Welcome! Lucario!

Sasha: Hey guys! Welcome back to our show! I hope you enjoyed our commercial break.

Jerammy: It was boring as *bleep*

Sasha: No, it wasn't. You were parking, so you didn't even see the commercials!

Jerammy: Yeah, but I still wasn't amused.

Sasha: It's not my fault you got pulled over.

Jerammy: And it was a stupid as *bleep* reason.

Sasha: You nearly ran over the President!

Jerammy: Meh, he's fine.

Sasha: Oh Yune, help this lost soul.

Jerammy: Ah, praying to your boyfriend's Goddess now, hmm?

Sasha: (blush) Anyway? I am proud to introduce our next guest-

Jerammy: (turns to crowd) See folks? She didn't answer the question.

Sasha: Jerammy, shut up and do your job.

Jerammy: Sasha! you take all the fun out of life.

Sasha: (grabs Jerammy and hurls him offstage) Do your freaking job, and shut up!

Crowd: (laughs)

Sasha: As I was saying, our next guest is a guy who isn't very talkative *which is why I don't understand why he is on a _TALK show*, he likes to keep to himself, frowns a lot, and is just plain! legendary. Please help me welcome! Lucario!

Crowd: (cheers loudly)

(Suddenly, James Bond music starts playing seemingly out of nowhere)

Sasha: Huh?

(Lights go out)

(A girlish scream is heard, followed by a yell.)

Crowd: (gasp)

(Lights are turned back on, and onstage, the crowd sees Lucario standing over a bound and gagged Sasha.)

Lucario: Greetings, audience.

Crowd: !

Lucario: Ah, stunned I#m assuming?

Crowd: !

Lucario: No worries, I will release your hostess. (unties Sasha)

Sasha: !

Lucario: Ah yes, your girlish friend as well.

(walks offstage, and unties Jerammy)

Sasha: Um? hi?

Lucario: Greetings, Lady Sasha.

Sasha: ? Hi.

Lucario: Yes? What is it, you seem rather quiet.

Sasha: You just tied me up! and made Jerammy scream like a bloody schoolgirl.

Lucario: Yes?

Sasha: (throws arms around Lucario) You're amazing!

Lucario: (embarrassed) Well! I'm not that amazing!

Sasha: Dude, I've never seen Jerammy so scared before! That was cool!

Jerammy: (offstage) Shut up!

Lucario: Yes, let's not tease him so much, he still needs to change his pants.

Sasha: ! (falls on floor, laughing, just like the crowd)

Jerammy: I said SHUT UP!

Lucario: My apologies.

Sasha: There's no need to apologize to him. He destroyed the stage and ran over Toon-Chainz.

Lucario: I see. So is that why there's a hole in the wall?

Sasha: Yeah? (sweatdrop) Anyways Lucario, first off, welcome to the show.

Lucario: (inclines his head) My pleasure.

Sasha: (smiles) So Lucario, what are your thoughts on the new Brawl game?

Lucario: (shrug) Just another tourney in which spectators get drunk and place money on bets. Ahhh, the drunken idiots.

Sasha: & So I'm guessing you don't like it?

Lucario: Oh no, I'm ECSTATIC!

Sasha: I can tell! Well! how do you feel about the fact that you were able to return?

Lucario: I wasn't surprised. After all, I _am legendary.

Sasha: Oh yes! Of course! Well, do you have any girls in mind that you might want to! impress?

Lucario: No.

Sasha: Oh come on, any at all?

Lucario: No.

Sasha: Are you su-

Lucario: I AM VERY SURE HUMAN!

Sasha: ! (from inside box) Ok

Jerammy: Ha! Who's scared now?

Sasha: Still you. I'm baking cookies.

Lucario and Jerammy: WHAT?

Sasha: Shut up, you'll upset the cookies!

Lucario: And this puny human refuses to share?

Sasha: Yep, pretty much.

Lucario: ? Ok then.

(Toon Link limps in with a full-body cast on)

Toon: Mom, you never told me we had a Chihuahua on the first up on the show.

Lucario: What was that?

Sasha: Oh no! He didn't mean it Luca.

Lucario: What!

Sasha: Oh dear!

Toon: Ooooh, can I name him? I'm gonna name him Snoopy!

Sasha: Toon, I don't think that's a good idea!

Lucario: YOU CONTINUE TO INSULT ME YOU OVERSIZED HEADED CHILD!

Toon: Hey! Who you callin' oversized?

Sasha: (pokes head out of box) Now boys!

Lucario: He clearly wishes to feel the wrath of Lucario.

Sasha: No, no he doesn't. (tries to sit them both down)

Toon: No Sasha baby, let the mutt talk his crap. He's just jealous cuz he can't get a girl.

Lucario: That's not the point! I remain siingle of my own choice.

Toon: Sure you do. And I'm not a jiggalo.

Sasha: Well, you kind of are!

Lucario: Oh he's asking for it! (his hands begin to glow)

Toon: Bring it Sparky! (he pulls out his sword)

Sasha: Now boys, we can settle this like adults! (the two lunge at each other and begin brawling)

Sasha: (ducks) Security! They're gonna upset my cookies!

Jerammy: Now just because you were laughing at me, no.

Sasha: Oh come on!

Jerammy: I'm going on my break.

(door slams as he leaves)

Sasha: (pulls out Riptide) I'll do this my way then.

(crowd cheers)

Sasha: (lunges in the battle and promptly gets knocked out by a bomb Toon Link had thrown)

MH: (returns eating a donut also in a body cast.) WHAT THE-! (drops donut) I LEAVE FOR TEN MINUTES, TEN MINUTES, AND MY SHOW IS IN SHAMBLES! (Sees Toon Link amidst the brawl) TOON CHAINZ!

MH: (turns to crowd) Please enjoy this video of a dancing kitty while I! restore the stage. (stage disappears and a giant screen replaces it.)

(Screams of terror and pain can be heard in the background)

(The kitty onscreen drags a sign across the screen that reads We will be back after these messages from our sponsor.

A/N: Hope you all enjoyed. Sorry if it's a bit too short, I'm not feeling well. Anyways, please enjoy, and please review!

~FireEmblemKitsune

BR/N: to the very rude Guest who reviewed the first chapter, we were experiencing some technical issues when uploading the chapter. however the quality it is still no excuse for such unnecessary, and damn right rude. The way the first chapter came out was my fault and overlooked by me.

~ FEK's Beta Reader ShadowRose DarkBlade


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hello! Welcome back! Here's chapter 2! Enjoy. Also, Happy holidays! 3

Chapter 3: Welcome... Mario!

Sasha: Welcome back everyone!

Crowd: (cheers)

Sasha: To recap, before our first ever commercial break on Ocendian Raid, you got to meet our cast and crew! We had the brother Hands. Yes, Master Hand will be alright... I think. I'm not quite sure, considering that he was pretty upset. He said something about visiting Grandma Hand for a bit... I don't know. Anyways, you also met our security guard, Jerammy Walker. Last time I checked in with him, he was being pulled over *again* by the police for reckless driving. (shrugs) He deserved it, right guys?

Crowd: Mhm!

Sasha: You also met my very... colorful children, Toon Link and Young Link. Toon is in the infirmary *again* right now, being treated by a ... Nurse Jackie. We are still not quite sure _who she is, but we're assuming that she's doing her job. We can't forget that you also met Olimar, the helping hand of this show, (smile) and myself.

Lucario: You can't forget me, human.

Sasha: (blanches) W-what the hell? I thought you left after the commercials!

Lucario: Of course I didn't. Why would I?

Sasha: B-because that's the normal thing to do?

Lucario: Well, I am doing everything the Smasher way.

Sasha: And what's the Smasher way?

Lucario: Not giving a sh*t and drinking.

Sasha: Well... okay. Wait, what about the Smasher honor?

Lucario: Little girl, your ignorance amuses me.

Sasha: I shall ignore that. Anyways, the next Smasher up is red, *annoying*, well-known, and BOUNCY! Please give a warm welcome to ... Mario!

Crowd: (goes insane, cheering and snapping pictures as Mario (looking slightly annoyed), makes his way onto the stage.))

Sasha: Welcome, Mr. uh... erm... Mario. I see that you didn't make as grand an entrance as Lucario.

Mario: It is-a pleasure to make-a your acquaintance, my lady. And-a sadly, no. I wasn't-a told about the-a how you say, awesome-a entrances. (he bows and Sasha looks awkward)

Lucario: *He _did know about the entrenances, it's just that Master Hand didn't want him to break the props*

Sasha: No... the pleasure is _all Master Hand's. *Yune knows it isn't mine*

Mario: What was that?

Sasha: Oh nothing! I just had something in my throat. (smiles)

Lucario: Hello, fat man.

Mario: (turns and sees Lucario) It's-a _you! You still owe me twenty bucks-a from the last-a time!

Sasha: Last time? Last time of what?

Lucario: Ah, it is nothing.

Mario: Do not-a say it is-a nothing! You burned-a my pizza!

Sasha: Stereotypical Italian, much?

Mario: No! My mama Mario and Papa Mario teach it to me when I was-a just a little boy!

Lucario: Well, you were never exactly _little, were you Mario?

Sasha: (turns to Lucario) *that's what I was thinking*

Mario: What was that?

Sasha: Uh... nothing! I was just letting Lucario know that he was uh... glowing! Yeah, glowing!

Mario: That's not-a what I heard!

Sasha: Apologies, Mr. Mario. Can we please go on ahead to the interview?

Lucario: Yes, let's. I want to see what this not-so-little man has to say.

Sasha: Mario, how does it feel returning to the fourth Brawl tourney? I'm guessing it must be exciting?

Mario: Eh... it's-a okay. They still need to-a serve-a more meatballs.

Lucario: That's what he said.

Mario: What?!

Lucario: Nothing, I was speaking aloud.

Mario: You better not be spreading more lies about me Lucario, or so help me I'll-.

Sasha: Hey, your accent's gone.

Mario: Oh... is-a it now?

Sasha: What the?... Never mind. So Mario, how do you feel about the lovely Peach coming back?

Mario: *oh she's a whore* I am so-a excited to see-a Peach again. It is always-a pleasure to see the-a beautiful Princess Peach.

Lucario: He lies.

Sasha: Huh? What do you mean, Lucario?

Mario: Do not-a listen to the dog! His-a time is up! It's-a my turn now, so let's-a go!

Sasha: Was that necessary?

Mario: Was-a what necessary?

Sasha: Adding your catch phrase to the end there.

Mario: I have-a no idea what you mean.

Lucario: *Pfft* He is so cliche.

Mario: Quiet!

Sasha: (sighs) Only 40 minutes into this show and we've already had arguments. When will everyone settle down and just be mellow like me?

Olimar: (appears onstage) Um, Sasha?

Sasha: (smiles) Yes Olimar?

Olimar: Remember your box with the baking cookies?

Mario: What-a did he say-a about cookies?

Lucario: Nothing, Mario. We don't need you gaining any more weight.

Sasha: (smacks Lucario on the back of the head) Be nice! Yes, what about it Olimar?

Olimar: (points behind her) Look.

Sasha: (turns to see the burned remains of her box) (her mouth falls open in shock)

Crowd: Uh-oh...

Mario: (roll eyes) It's okay. I can go back home and have Ma make you some more. Can we get this show on the road? It's still all about me for five more minutes.

Lucario: There you go again!

Mario: What-a you mean, friend?

Lucario: I'm not your friend. You dropped the accent and sounded like a gruff American version of the Godfather!

Mario: Wha?

Olimar: Um, gentelmen?

Mario: What's-a wrong, Olimar?

Olimar: (points)

Mario and Lucario: (turn to see Sasha with smoke, blood, and tears coming out of her eyes)

Lucario: Um... is that not healthy for humans?

Olimar: No... it's not.

Mario: Ah whatever. Olimar, you can replace her. Go ahead, ask me questions. We still have 3 minutes of me time.

Sasha: (turns and grabs Mario by the overall straps.)

Crowd: (collective gasp)

Mario: Hey! Let-a go! This is-a 100% pure Italiano cloth!

Sasha: LISTEN HERE YOU INSOLENT, LITTLE, _LARGELY OBESE, POOR EXCUSE FOR A PLUMBER! THIS SEGMENT MAY BE ABOUT YOU BUT WHEN MY ATTENTION IS TAKEN AWAY FROM MY COOKIES TO BE REPLACED BY _YOU, IT... GETS... _PERSONAL!

Olimar: (turns to Lucario) *but isn't it her fault that she wasn't paying attention?*

Lucario: (shrugs) I don't mind it. Someone needs to put that fake Italian bastard in check.

Olimar: (nods)

Lucario: Sasha, do you need help?

Sasha: (growls and nods as she drags a shaking Mario offstage)

Lucario: (leaves)

Crowd member: (stands up) What's going to happen to Mr. Mario? She better not hurt him! I wore my "Everything is Awesome When You're Hanging With Mario" shirt today! She better not ruin this for me!

Rest of the crowd: (looks uneasy)

Olimar: Ah, sit down. It's time for a commercial break anyways.

Crowd member: I will not stand to be treated like this!

Olimar: Fine. (he unclips a remote control from his belt and presses a button) Goodbye.

Crowd Member: (is ejected from the audience)

Olimar: (fingering the remote control with an evil glint in his eyes) Anyone else?

Crowd: (remains frozen and silent with fear)

Olimar: Good... Enjoy the commercial break. (leaves)

~FEK


End file.
